Ouch. This one's gonna feel like stabbing myself in the foot.
Mirrors stare back if you look long enough...
When I was a teenager, I had so much going for me! I was smart, not TOO shabby looking, had good friends and decent guys liked me. I could crack a joke and people would actually laugh. It was a pretty okay life! I just wish I had KNOWN that!
I got involved with this guy. He was engaged. I knew. Didn't care. He melted me. He made my heart sing and my stomach did those little flips every time he said my name. I was also a boy crazy teenager-lots of guys had that effect on me. But this one-he was "different," I heard myself saying all the time. Yeah he was! He was different alright! See, originally, he was just supposed to be a hook-up. My first one ever! I was putting on my big girl panties and I was gonna do it! I was gonna have a ONE NIGHT STAND! (My mother would slap me if she read this...) I was 17!!!!! I knew what I was doing! I didn't need help or guidance! Besides, I had my whole life figured out already and I could do this! No. Big. Deal.
Reality hurts pretty bad when it hits you across the face, flying by at about 80 miles an hour. I did it. I had sex with him. Don't worry, I wasn't a virgin or anything crazy like that. But now I was pregnant. I knew it the second it was over. I was petrified. I cried like a baby. So much for knowing what I was doing. How was I going to tell me parents? How was I going to tell my friends? Omg... Daddy... he was either going to kill me or never speak to me again. I'd rather die. This was it. My life was over.
But WAIT!!!!! Hang on! There's a solution! I didn't have to tell anyone! I didn't have to do this at all! I could have an abortion! No one would ever have to know and I wouldn't be the shame of my family! Oh, how screwed up my little brain was... We talked about it, this man and I. Up until now he was just someone to have fun with and now--now!!!--he was going to take care of me and make it all okay!
At 10 weeks I had an abortion. It's the most painful thing I've ever done. I think I cried for days. The BFF and someone who was supposed to be my other BFF were the only other people who knew. It was horrifying. He paid for it. I think he tried to talk me out of it once. I can't really remember. He never offered to help me talk to my parents or anything so it didn't really seem to matter. I still remember the day it happened. It was a 2 day process because I was so far along.
Remember how nobody else was ever going to know about it? I moved to Florida a year later and left a lot of stuff behind. Including a box of old paperwork. My mom found it when she was going through some of my old stuff to see what could be gotten rid of and what needed to be kept. She never yelled at me. She was actually sad that I didn't have enough confidence in her and our relationship to tell her about it when it happened. And my Daddy's never mentioned it-maybe she didn't tell him. But every day I get to look myself in the mirror knowing what I did. Knowing that a baby died because of me and my selfishness...
In my imagination, the baby I gave up that day was a little girl. I named her Jessica. I guess that made it easier. Maybe naming her made it possible for me to treat it like a loss rather than a murder. The man turned out to be an awful man. He left his fiance for me but he treated me horribly. He was mentally abusive, cheated on me ALL THE TIME, and it got physical towards the end of our relationship. He was very controlling. Even hog-tied me once out of anger and said I deserved it because I was such a bitch. Maybe I did.
I try to look back on it with the knowledge that, if I had that child, that man would still be a part of my life. But I still see myself the same way I did all those years ago. Sometimes looking in the mirror is the hardest thing to do. And when I see my beautiful daughter waddling around the living room laughing and chasing the cat... I can't help but wonder what Jessica would have been like. Holidays are the worst. I was due 3 days before Christmas.
I don't know if I'll ever truly forgive myself for that...
No comments:
Post a Comment