Day 05: Something you hope to do in your life.

Hmmm.... Something I'd like to do in my life... I'd like to take my daughter to Italy! When she's old enough to appreciate it, of course! Maybe for her 16th birthday! That would be cool, right? I'm Italian (so, obviously, she is too) and I've never seen Italy. That's the dream! Or be rich. That would be cool, too. Then we could summer home in Italy and that would be even better than just going for her birthday! Dream big with small expectations, I say! You can't go wrong that way! Sooo... that's it? That was a quick answer for something that was supposed to inspire a whole blog.... Hm. Maybe I'm just having one of those days....

Day 4: Something You Have to Forgive Someone Else For.

I think it's pretty obvious by now that I suck at this blogging thing. It's taken like 2 months to do 4 days worth of writing. Boo to that crap!

Alright, on to the topic at hand. I pretend I don't hold grudges. And, to be honest, I really don't hold grudges very often because the fact of the matter is that it's waaaaay too energy consuming for me. Trying to remember why I'm mad at people when I'm kinda ALWAYS mad at people is really hard! Just too much for me to keep track of I guess. There's only one person in my life who makes it VERY easy to hold and maintain a grudge against them: my mother.

I love my mom so much! I'd really be lost without her sometimes. At the same time, she's one of the few people that can make me angry within about 30 seconds of contact with her. She's not exactly nice. She has a naturally abrasive personality. She thinks that things like calling my brothers and I "slaves" is funny. It was. The first 100 times, I guess. After a few years, it lost it's humor. Now it just makes me wanna punch her. Especially now that I have a child of my own, who happens to be my mom's one and only grandchild at the moment.

I guess I really need to forgive her for not being "emotionally available" to me growing up. I didn't do what I was told because I respected her. I did what I was told because I feared her. I still do. For example, when it came to my wedding, I pretty much let her have her way with most things because I was afraid to fight her on it. Looking back, I wish I'd fought. My wedding was a little over 2 months ago and I still wish we'd just gone to Vegas or something. I really wanted to buy a pretty pair of flats that said "Just Married" on them so I could change out of my 3 inch heels after the ceremony. Mom said that would be tacky. So I didn't buy them. Instead, I kicked off my heels at my reception and went barefoot! Mom almost had a heart attack. Ha! Take that! That was my revenge for her being so mean about my wedding and not letting me have the simple little things I wanted! I'm a horrible daughter.

She also kinda always does stuff for other people and their children before me and my daughter. You know, her ONLY grandchild. Yeah. Nice. My mom is very "crafty." She crochets blankets, makes quillows, makes clothes, does needlepoint and can sew a variety of beautiful things! But ALWAYS for other people or their children. I have to ASK for stuff for my daughter. I can't tell you what kind of anger and hostility that creates in me. She once accused me of being a snob. Telling my daughter that she didn't think I would LET Grandma make clothes for baby. ARE YOU FREAKIN' KIDDING ME RIGHT NOW!? I used to LOVE the outfits she made for me as a kid! In fact, I can't wait to lose another 40 pounds so she can make me some pretty summer dresses and stuff like that! In no way would I ever refuse to let my daughter revel in that same feeling I got from wearing something that was made just for her! But I'm a snob. She just does not give me enough credit and it really bothers me. She's always telling me how selfish or inconsiderate I am. My husband thinks I'm not selfish enough. So which is it?!

If I was totally honest with myself, I'd admit that I have a lot of people to forgive for a lot of things. But I don't hold grudges, remember? ;)

Day 3: Something You Have to Forgive Yourself For.

Ouch. This one's gonna feel like stabbing myself in the foot.

Mirrors stare back if you look long enough...

When I was a teenager, I had so much going for me! I was smart, not TOO shabby looking, had good friends and decent guys liked me. I could crack a joke and people would actually laugh. It was a pretty okay life! I just wish I had KNOWN that!

I got involved with this guy. He was engaged. I knew. Didn't care. He melted me. He made my heart sing and my stomach did those little flips every time he said my name. I was also a boy crazy teenager-lots of guys had that effect on me. But this one-he was "different," I heard myself saying all the time. Yeah he was! He was different alright! See, originally, he was just supposed to be a hook-up. My first one ever! I was putting on my big girl panties and I was gonna do it! I was gonna have a ONE NIGHT STAND! (My mother would slap me if she read this...) I was 17!!!!! I knew what I was doing! I didn't need help or guidance! Besides, I had my whole life figured out already and I could do this! No. Big. Deal.

Reality hurts pretty bad when it hits you across the face, flying by at about 80 miles an hour. I did it. I had sex with him. Don't worry, I wasn't a virgin or anything crazy like that. But now I was pregnant. I knew it the second it was over. I was petrified. I cried like a baby. So much for knowing what I was doing. How was I going to tell me parents? How was I going to tell my friends? Omg... Daddy... he was either going to kill me or never speak to me again. I'd rather die. This was it. My life was over.

But WAIT!!!!! Hang on! There's a solution! I didn't have to tell anyone! I didn't have to do this at all! I could have an abortion! No one would ever have to know and I wouldn't be the shame of my family! Oh, how screwed up my little brain was... We talked about it, this man and I. Up until now he was just someone to have fun with and now--now!!!--he was going to take care of me and make it all okay!

At 10 weeks I had an abortion. It's the most painful thing I've ever done. I think I cried for days. The BFF and someone who was supposed to be my other BFF were the only other people who knew. It was horrifying. He paid for it. I think he tried to talk me out of it once. I can't really remember. He never offered to help me talk to my parents or anything so it didn't really seem to matter. I still remember the day it happened. It was a 2 day process because I was so far along.

Remember how nobody else was ever going to know about it? I moved to Florida a year later and left a lot of stuff behind. Including a box of old paperwork. My mom found it when she was going through some of my old stuff to see what could be gotten rid of and what needed to be kept. She never yelled at me. She was actually sad that I didn't have enough confidence in her and our relationship to tell her about it when it happened. And my Daddy's never mentioned it-maybe she didn't tell him. But every day I get to look myself in the mirror knowing what I did. Knowing that a baby died because of me and my selfishness...

In my imagination, the baby I gave up that day was a little girl. I named her Jessica. I guess that made it easier. Maybe naming her made it possible for me to treat it like a loss rather than a murder. The man turned out to be an awful man. He left his fiance for me but he treated me horribly. He was mentally abusive, cheated on me ALL THE TIME, and it got physical towards the end of our relationship. He was very controlling. Even hog-tied me once out of anger and said I deserved it because I was such a bitch. Maybe I did.

I try to look back on it with the knowledge that, if I had that child, that man would still be a part of my life. But I still see myself the same way I did all those years ago. Sometimes looking in the mirror is the hardest thing to do. And when I see my beautiful daughter waddling around the living room laughing and chasing the cat... I can't help but wonder what Jessica would have been like. Holidays are the worst. I was due 3 days before Christmas.

I don't know if I'll ever truly forgive myself for that...

Day 2: Something you hate about yourself!

Ok, so I completely messed this 30 days of writing thing up already because "Something you hate about yourself" was actually supposed to be day 1... Oh well! Moving forward!

Sometimes I just flat out hate my personality. I think I'm potentially very hard on people. I was recently told, by my husband, that I expect too much from people. I disagree. I expect the people that call themselves my friends to act like my FRIENDS. I expect grown adults to behave like adults. I expect people to keep promises, be half-way decent contributing members of society, be honest and respectable individuals and crazy stuff like that! Maybe I DO expect too much from people...

I AM pretty judgmental, even though I try not to be. I get frustrated really easily sometimes. Ok, pretty often. Alright, most of them time I get frustrated easily! There! I said it! I hate the fact that I'm not the same person I was 3 years ago when I met my husband. I hate that pregnancy and having a baby completely changed who I am. I hate that I allowed it to happen. I love my daughter to the ends of the universe and I wouldn't trade her for anything! I've just changed a lot. I used to be very independent and knew how to have fun but how to keep it reigned in and still remain respectable! I wore my heart on my sleeve and was (a little) more open to people. Now it feels like all I do is bitch and sit in my own misery! And we all know misery loves company. I've done this to myself. And I'm actively working on it. I've gained a significant amount of weight (actually, I just never worked very hard to lose my pregnancy weight) and that takes a toll on my overall happiness. I'm sure I could sit here for another hour or so and rattle off a list of more things I hate about myself. But it's depressing me and I'd really rather not do it anymore... Thanks for reading!

Day 1: Something you love about yourself!

Way to start with the hard one first....

This is like the worst one. I've never been good at this kind of stuff. I think the think I love about myself is my compassion. My need to do what's right regardless of how other people feel about it. Example: Yesterday I took  Little One for a walk around our complex and found a phone lying in the grass. I picked it up and brought it home with us. I happened to have a charger that would fit it and set it up to charge for a few minutes because it was pretty much ready to die. After a few minutes of charging I was able to look through the phone a little and figure out that it belonged to a man and his girlfriends name (which I figured out by looking through the phone) was saved as a contact. I called her from the phone and explained who I was and how I'd come across the phone. They were together and they were both very appreciative that I had gone through the trouble of figuring out who it belonged to. The Hub, on the other hand, told me that I was crazy for trying to find the owner and that I should have just tossed the phone or taken it to the office. Those poor people probably never would have thought to check the office. I know I wouldn't have if it was my phone...

I try my hardest to do everything I'm supposed to do. I was raised by military parents and I wasn't raised to be selfish. Sometimes I AM selfish, but normally when I've made a conscious decision to be. I try to do what's right even when I don't want to... I'm losing my compassion, though. Slowly. It's hard to care so much about everyone else and how they're feeling and how happy they are when no one seems to care how I feel about anything.

You know, most people would have kept the phone. Tried to sell it. Something. But I didn't. If you ask my husband, I'm crazy. No, it's the rest of the world that's crazy. I just did what I hoped someone else would do for me. I've had phones stolen. It's not fun.

Even for my wedding, I just kind of let my mom do what she wanted to do and only fought her on the things that were really important to me. I just don't like arguing and fighting. I think this was a bad topic for me. Maybe this will get easier....?

Tired of Bitching...

I'll probably keep doing it but I don't want this blog to be all about how much I hate everything since I really am trying to be a more positive person! So I came across this little project while I was Google-ing what a "writing prompt" is. And I think I'm going to try it! It's 30 days of writing. Here are your topics for each day:

Day 01 → Something you hate about yourself.
Day 02 → Something you love about yourself.
Day 03 → Something you have to forgive yourself for.
Day 04 → Something you have to forgive someone for.
Day 05 → Something you hope to do in your life.
Day 06 → Something you hope you never have to do.
Day 07 → Someone who has made your life worth living for.
Day 08 → Someone who made your life hell, or treated you like shit.
Day 09 → Someone you didn’t want to let go, but just drifted.
Day 10 → Someone you need to let go, or wish you didn’t know.
Day 11 → Something people seem to compliment you the most on.
Day 12 → Something you never get compliments on.
Day 13 → A band or artist that has gotten you through some tough ass days. (write a letter.)
Day 14 → A hero that has let you down. (letter)
Day 15 → Something or someone you couldn’t live without, because you’ve tried living without it.
Day 16 → Someone or something you definitely could live without.
Day 17 → A book you’ve read that changed your views on something.
Day 18 → Your views on gay marriage.
Day 19 → What do you think of religion? Or what do you think of politics?
Day 20 → Your views on drugs and alcohol.
Day 21 → (scenario) Your best friend is in a car accident and you two got into a fight an hour before. What do you do?
Day 22 → Something you wish you hadn’t done in your life.
Day 23 → Something you wish you had done in your life.
Day 24 → Make a playlist to someone, and explain why you chose all the songs. (Just post the titles and artists and letter)
Day 25 → The reason you believe you’re still alive today.
Day 26 → Have you ever thought about giving up on life? If so, when and why?
Day 27 → What’s the best thing going for you right now?
Day 28 → What if you were pregnant or got someone pregnant, what would you do?
Day 29 → Something you hope to change about yourself. And why.
Day 30 → A letter to yourself, tell yourself EVERYTHING you love about yourself!


Looks exciting! I will start later this evening or tomorrow! Until then! :) 

Texting & Bragging

There's something about texting and punctuation. It's a whole world. A complete other universe from ours. It drives me nuts. You write text: 'I love you'    .....really? Are you sure? I'm not convinced. Maybe 'I love you!' would do more for me. But you couldn't even bother with a period at the end? Pft. Conversation with a friend. Nice. Maybe it's my fault. I've had a problem with a lack of punctuation myself lately. I'm lazy.

In case you're wondering, my husband rocks! Sometimes I get all stupid and girly and start to question myself and if I "made the right choice" in marrying him and all that nonsense. It's because I'm insecure. I'm always trying to figure out if he's gonna leave me. Clearly, I've been left a lot in my life. Started when I was born. Remember that whole thing about not knowing my biological father? Yeah. I've done a lot of leaving, too. Don't get me wrong. Definitely left my share of broken hearts on the road behind me as I was trying to better myself and figure out just exactly who the hell I thought I was. The truth? I still don't know who I am and those hearts are still broken. I must suck on a-whole-nother level I'm not even aware of. Wonder what my ex's would say.... But The Hub thinks I'm pretty great! I remembered to put mustard on the grocery list the other day (he has this weird ham and mustard sandwich fetish that I just can't figure out!) and you'd think we'd just won the lottery with how excited he was! Yeah, he's weird. Embrace it. He's the only one of us that works right now and he works hard! And he still comes home and cleans the litter box, takes out the trash and lets me drag him to the grocery store! He plays with our daughter and our cat and tolerates my ridiculous inability to stay organized. You know, it's not that I'm NOT organized. It's just that our apartment doesn't APPEAR to be organized if you look at it! I know where just about everything we're looking for is so that has to count for something. He even cooks sometimes! He's great! And our perfect blend of ethnicities makes for excellent meals! And cooking together is one of my favorite things to do with him! (But, ssshhh! Don't tell him that!) Our life together is far from perfect but I wouldn't have it any other way! Gotta run, Little One is up from her nap! More later! :) Thanks for reading!

Cereal, Coffee and Wedding Bitterness

This morning was fun. Little One has discovered how to open cereal boxes and dump them out. Fabulous. Can you feel my excitement? I'm ecstatic. So is she. Yay for cereal!

She just recently learned how to walk on her own (she's been walking while holding someone's hands since she was like 3 months old. Thought she'd be an early walker. Wrong.) and now she's everywhere. She was everywhere before but now it's insane. I leave her in the living room, go to the kitchen to refill my coffee cup, turn to go back to the living room praying she isn't terrorizing the cat and almost kill her as I trip over her and try not to spill coffee everywhere. She's sneaky! Didn't even realize she'd made it to the kitchen!

She's at that stage where I'm no longer her favorite person. It breaks my heart. Truly. I cried the other day. She always wants her Daddy. From the moment he walks in the door from work, it's all about Daddy. Then again, I'd be kind of annoyed with hanging out with me all the time if I was her, too. She gets bored with me. Unless, of course, I'm going to leave her with someone for a couple hours. As soon as she figures it out, you'd think I'm abandoning her for the rest of her life. Seriously, kid, I'll be back. Mommy just needs a break.

So on the rare occasion that I get a little time to myself (never more than 3 hours, by the way), what do I do? Nothing. I always forget. When my mother-in-law (herein referred to as MIL) takes her, I always know a few days in advance that she wants her. Do I REMEMBER? Nope! So the evening before I'm supposed to take her over there, The Hub asks what time I want to take her so he knows to let his Mom know when to expect us.

WHAT?! Damn it!!! I completely forgot. Again. So now I have free time and nothing to do with it. Didn't make plans with the BFF who seems to have a very busy life despite working a 12 hour a week job, so that's out because she's ALWAYS too busy. I don't feel comfortable going to movies or restaurants by myself, so that's out. I guess I could go home and clean... pft. Yeah... sure. I don't do enough of that as it is.

Last week, I got lucky! The BFF texted me the morning I was supposed to take Little One to MIL's. "Good morning! Wanna come over today?" Sure. Why not. Don't get me wrong, I LOVE her! Most of the time she's great! When she's not being judgmental and telling me how wrong I am about everything. She's a month older than me. Never had a boyfriend. Never been kissed. All of that stuff. But she has an opinion on everything. She thinks I never should have married a man who didn't ask my Dad for my hand in marriage. Seriously? It just didn't work out that way. He wanted to, life happened and it just worked out differently for us. She's determined that no matter how much she loves a man, if he doesn't ask her Dad for her hand, it's NOT happening. Easy to say when you've NEVER been in love with someone and didn't create a beautiful child with someone you absolutely couldn't imagine your life without. Must be nice to be so delusional. She even told me I was doing my wedding wrong. She was my maid of honor. I bought her shoes, MADE her this BEAUTIFUL mother of pearl vase as part of her wedding gift, asked her opinion on just about everything and still ended up planning my own bachelorette party. Awesome. I do love her so very much. With the bad, there is also the amazing person she can be. Guess I'm still bitter about the lousy maid of honor she turned out to be... I'll get over it.

Side note: I'm on my second cup of coffee and it's delicious. Just thought I'd share that.

So anyway, the only thing on the agenda for this week is to go pick up the "Thank You" cards from Hobby Lobby (50% off wedding stuff this week-WOOT!) and get them filled out for the beautiful gifts we received (none from the BFF, though. Seeing what I'm saying yet? No? Ok, moving on...) for our wedding! Next week we'll have been married one month! It's been great! I love him so much! He thinks putting a wedding band on my finger has turned me into a goddess! No, but I'll take it while he's still feeling that way! Oh! And we get to go do laundry today! We live in an apartment complex for the time being and their laundry facilities CREEP ME OUT! Yuck... So we go to a laundromat we trust! Not as exciting as it sounds.

Ok, so my first 2 blog posts are done... How am I doing? Be honest! Be brutal! Thanks! :)

There's a First Time for Everything...

So I'm new to this blogging thing. I set up this account hours ago and just couldn't figure out where to start! As far as introductions go, one isn't really needed. I'm choosing to remain anonymous for the time being. I will tell you that I am recently married (literally-we're talking married for 3 weeks!) and we have one beautiful 16-month old child together. Life is pretty simple for me at the moment with the exception of the normal stresses that friends, family and kids bring to life. I am currently a stay-at-home mom and have caught myself mulling around in the "wifely duties" of my life. Cleaning, cooking, playing with baby, and putting in those "quality time" hours with my family. Don't get me wrong, I love my family! (We're talking parents and siblings, etc.- not my husband and baby!) My Dad is truly amazing! I really couldn't ask for him to be a better man than he already is! Always quick to help someone in need and truly adores the people he surrounds himself with! He's not perfect, but he's my Daddy so he's perfect to me-most of the time. My Mom? Strongest woman I know, hands down! Drives me INSANE! Love her to DEATH! She's my only constant. She is the ONLY person I have had my entire life! Family dynamic: My Dad is not my biological father but my parents have been married since before I can remember. I do not know my biological father. Which is why Mom is my only constant. I'm so much like her and yet I'm a completely different person. We don't always get along. I'm not a kid that she can control anymore. That bothers her. I'm not a doctor or a highly paid lawyer. That bothers her, too. I didn't marry or have children as young as she did. I didn't join the same career path she did. These things bother her as well. I'm not the same kind of mother she was and we don't agree on parenting styles. She doesn't like that, either. But in her own way, she loves me I like to believe she's proud of me and the person that I've become. My parents have 3 kids: myself (the oldest), and 2 boys. The older of the two is my step-brother. He's less than a year younger than me but still stuck in his teenage years, making bad decisions and thinking he's God's gift to women. The other one is still a teenager in high school and kinda doofy. He's still trying to figure life out so I cut him some slack. We're a typical American family, I suppose. Drama and all! And me? I'm just trying to make it. Survive. Build a better life for my tiny new family! Who isn't? I finished high school, made some mistakes while Mom & Dad could still save me, graduated from college, had a baby and got married! I don't ask for anything and we take pretty good care of ourselves! I like to think we're good parents most of the time but only time will tell. My baby and my husband are pretty much my everything. I'm one of the lucky few who got to marry my best friend. Sure, we fight, we argue. We're a couple and sometimes we just get tired of each other! But we always meet for a kiss goodnight in bed and say we love each other no less than 4 times a day. It's kinda sick, really. Ha ha ha! A lot of the relationships in my life are being tested lately (more on that some other time!) and he's always there with a shoulder for me to cry on, an ear for me to scream in and an adorable look on his face when he says, "I'll always be your friend!" He REALLY loves me. And I'm VERY lucky. We're a real couple, not two people living in two different worlds hoping it'll all just work for the sake of being with someone. Our daughter is gorgeous. And I'm not just saying that because she's my kid. She's really a beautiful little girl! She has beautiful, curly hair and amazing almond shaped brown eyes. Her Daddy is hispanic and I'm pretty much a white girl. Our daughter got the best of both of out features! Sometimes I don't believe I could produce such a gorgeous baby! I hope she never knows how pretty she is or we'll be in a world of trouble! On that note, time for bed!